You do not have to fix everything on your own.
But you can make a real difference by being kind, calm and safe.
What abuse can look like #
Abuse is not just physical violence.
It can be:
- Controlling behaviour
- Telling them what to wear
- Checking their phone or messages
- Not “allowing” them to see friends or family
- Emotional or mental abuse
- Putting them down or calling them names
- Blaming them for everything
- Making them feel guilty if they say no
- Jealousy and control dressed up as “love”
- “If you loved me you would…”
- Getting angry if they spend time with other people
- Sexual pressure
- Pushing them to do sexual things they do not want
- Ignoring when they say no or look uncomfortable
If something feels off or unsafe, your worry is important.
How you can support your friend #
- Be there and listen
- Let them know you care about them
- Give them space to talk in their own time
- Listen more than you speak
- Try not to interrupt or jump in with solutions straight away
You could say:
- “I’m here for you whenever you want to talk.”
- “I’m really worried about you because I care.”
- Be non-judgemental
Leaving an abusive relationship is very hard.
They might still love the person.
They might feel scared or stuck.
Try not to say things like:
- “Why don’t you just leave?”
- “I would never let someone do that to me.”
Instead, you could say:
- “None of this is your fault.”
- “You don’t deserve to be treated like this, ever.”
- Respect their choices
You can’t force your friend to leave.
You can’t control what they do.
What you can do is:
- Share your worries gently
- Ask what they want to do
- Offer to help them plan safe steps when they are ready
For example:
- “What do you feel ready to do next?”
- “Would it help if I went with you to talk to someone?”
When you’re worried about their safety #
Sometimes you might feel your friend is in real danger.
You might feel scared that they could be badly hurt.
You can say something like:
- “I’m really concerned for your safety.”
- “I care about you too much to say nothing.”
- “I think we need to talk to a safe adult about this.”
It is okay to tell them:
“Even if you don’t want to speak to someone right now, I might need to, because I want to know you’re safe.”
This is not “betraying” them.
It is looking out for their safety.
If you think they are in immediate danger, call 999.
Talk to a safe adult #
You do not have to carry this on your own.
Talking to a safe adult is an important step.
This could be:
- A parent or carer
- A teacher or tutor
- A school or college counsellor
- A youth worker
- A trusted family member
- A school nurse or pastoral lead
You can say:
- “I’m really worried about my friend and I don’t know what to do.”
- “Please keep this as private as you can, but I need help to keep them safe.”
A safe adult can:
- Help you work out what to do next
- Help your friend get support
- Contact services if needed
Looking online for support #
There is a lot of advice online for:
- Friends who are worried about someone in an abusive relationship
- Young people in abusive or controlling relationships
- Families and carers who want to help
Look for:
- Trusted health websites
- Charities that support people experiencing abuse
- Young people’s advice sites
If a website makes you feel blamed or unsafe, close it and try another one.
Look after yourself too #
Supporting a friend in an abusive relationship can feel heavy.
You might feel stressed, upset or helpless.
To look after yourself:
- Talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling
- Take breaks from serious conversations when you need to
- Keep doing things that help you feel calm and okay
- Remember it’s not your job to “save” them alone
It is okay to need support for yourself while you support someone else.
Key things to remember #
- You are not responsible for the abuse
- Your friend is not to blame for the abuse
- Being kind, calm and non-judgemental really helps
- It is okay to speak to a safe adult if you are worried
- Keeping your friend safe is more important than keeping a secret
- Help is available for both of you
You are not alone in this.
Reaching out for support is a strong and caring thing to do.
